A longer period of time

When you really don´t feel like life is going anywhere, updating your blog isn´t something you think much about. So, I decided to save up some stuff over a bit of time, so that I would acctually have something to show you guys! ^^ 

Ok, so, nothing much has happend since my "awakening". As I might have mentioned back then, we had our autumn brake off school (thursday the 10th and friday the11th of October – through that following weekend) and because of my mental and physical condition back then I, together with my parents and therapist, decided it would be best for me to just stay home the whole following week as well. To get some rest basically (because I am completely burned out and everything is making me tired, especially over-thinking).
My therapist wrote a notice for my teacher about it.

I felt really... scared. Everything felt fresh and new, and it was just like I had got a totally new pair of eyes that had never seen the world before. It was like a cloud had lifted off my head, and after so many years I could see things clearly! 

After my visit at the hospital (where they were thinking of admitting me) I had about 10 days of nothingness ahead of me. It was quite motivating to think about, conserning how I felt about working on my disease. However, I was so exhausted from everyday life that I pretty much just slept away most of the week. I had initially planned to set up a schedule for myself and try to work on some things, but my anxiety just grew, and my depression got stronger, and I felt so incredibly tired all the time, for merly excisting, not neccesarily even doing anything, that I wound up spending most of my time sleeping. My positive thoughts dissapeared and I fell back into the disease again...

To make things worse, my mac died the second day of autumn brake, so I couldn´t do much homework either. I used an old computer and borrowed my moms´ sometimes, mostly to send messages to my teachers and ask them about stuff/updates. 

I felt really, really bad about not going to school >.<

Anyway, going back a bit again, to mention what happend at the time: during the first weekend after my mini-brake had started (around the 12th of october) me and my parents went into town
to look around some shops.

I wore a rather casual outfit, that felt a bit cold, but I was lucky enough to

borrow my mothers extremly snuggly sweater! 

I could live in this thing.

Sweater is from Ireland, pants from H&M, Shoes from Scotland, beret from paris,

Scarf from H&M, accessories are homemade, and from local shops, and BrokenDoll,
and lastly, tshirt from Taobao. 

We had a nice, calm day mainly browsing, and my mom ran some errands.

I tried looking around for some nice, warm sweaters for autumn and winter,
but I didn´t really find anything that cought my interest...

However, I did find a really lovely kind of scarf that I have wanted to get for ages.

It´s the kind that is like an enormous collar that you just twirl around your head several times.

A huge, knitted thingie with a lovely, deep, wine red colour. 

Have never owned one of those scarfs, so when my mom offered to buy it for me as a little "present of the day" I squeeled in joy and couldn´t stop smiling for about an hour later >////v/////>

After that day nothing much happend onwards, as I mentioned before...

I got a new meeting at the hospital where I was perhaps meant to be admitted (because they usually have two meetings like that before they decide anything), and this time my father joined me.
It was exactly a week after the first meeting.

I decided that even if I was going out for such a sad reason, I atleast wanted to look kinda decent, 

so I dressed myself in autumn colours (mustard yellow, dark green, wine red with golden details) 

and I tried to prepare my mind for what was ahead. 

To be quite honest, I was terrified and felt extremly uncomfortable about the whole situation.

I am just happy I was able to spend the whole day with my dad, atleast. 

It was kinda fun, once the meeting part was over :–) 

You see, to get to the town where the special hospital is, you got to travel by plane for about 30-40 min. And because our meeting was in the morning around noon, and our plane tickets to return home was around 9 pm, we had the whole days to ourself down town!

It is a lot bigger place than any of our local towns, so we had plenty to do. 

As we explored stores, both together and seperatly, I stumbled upon a full-lenght mirror, 

and thought I might just as well snap a picture of my look.

It is only with my coat on, but I kinda like how it looked anyway.

Here you see my incredibly huge, head-eating new scarf that my mom got me the weekend before!

And you can see my attractive hobo-gloves and my pants that are far too big ^^" eheh

Comfy outfit was comfy! I kinda like how I did my hair too :–) 

After getting home that day, I felt even more certain that I wouldn´t want to be admitted. Still they convinced me to accept getting an "offer about a trial–week" the following tuesday (the 22th of October, after my mini–brake was over and I had gone back to school), so I could get some more time to think about it.

Then, in the second weekend/the last days of my brake came, me and my mom decided to go out together on saturday, for a "girls day out". We both felt like we could need a little "cheer–up", so we went into our local town to do some shopping, and then visit one of the small cafés we have there. 

It was so lovely! Recently, it has suddenly becoming really wintery around here, since it has been snowing heavily for the last couple of weeks, so it felt nice folding my hands around a nice cup of cocoa. I also got a really big cookie that I can´t understand how they were able to make (it was the size my face or something O.o) (gosh I feel terrible talking about food, I´ll just stop now >.<) 

I guess what my point was building up to, was that I acctually decided to dress up that day also.

I felt this extreme pull towards fairy–kei, so I just went pastel, pastel, pastel

 I look kinda mad for some reason ^^" ehehe

... after adding some more details. I got most of these things from online shops, like my Milklim sweater, Kreepsville 666, HolleyTeaTime, Chocomint, Taobao and CuteCanKill accessories.
Other accessories include stuff that is homemade,
gifts and stuff I bought at conventions (6%DokiDoki bow etc.) and local shops.

The very last day of my brake (sunday 20th of october) I completely devoted to writing letters and drawing. I feel kinda proud I was acctually able to draw a proper drawing, after weeks and weeks of not even doodling. Truth is, I really, really, really DON´T have the energy to draw or be creative at all, so I was completely beat after drawing only this, even it only being A5 sized >.< 

I was so close to giving up on everything several times, 

just because I felt so tried and unconsentrated, but I forced myself to pull through.

I don´t know if this will be the only one I draw this year or not, and I know it´s a bit early, 

but anyway...

here is my halloween drawing!

(I am sorry the picture is kinda dark, it was taken late in the evening!)

I only used colouring pencils on this one, except for the fine-liner and the shiny,

 white spots that I did with my Sakura gelly-roll. I just adore halloween themes, 

and especially the colour combination of orange and purple!^^

  I hope you guys like my illustration, please feel free to comment about it below! <3

 

Moving on to even more recent events:

Even though this whole week has pretty much been one big work–load from morning until night, since I missed the week before, we did some stuff that was kinda fun at school. We have recently been given a self–portrait assignement, that we had pretty much no rules for. Me being sick for a week, made me miss most of the task, but I was still able to snap some pictures during the last hours of our school day on thursday ( 24th of october). I was trying to go for a "mermaidy–fairy-like" kind of look, mixed with my national roots and a bit of symbolism. Keep in mind that I had veeery limited amount of time, and very limited amount of self–esteem and energy... I had initially planned this whole cupcakey lolita extreme sugar kawaii glittery cute explotion of a picture, but my health and mental condition wouldn´t allow that just now... despite feeling like a failure,

I kinda like how they turned out anyway.

Keep in mind that I came up with this idea on a one–day notice!

Here is a few of the pictures we snapped:

(blogger kinda ruins the quality though)

Well, yeah >.<" I know they are kinda... weird, and I know the concept is really vague, but... uhm.. well ^^" ehehe... I hope you guys like them anyway :–p

I took the bus home after school that day, and since I was allready wearing makeup,

and because I just cut my fringe, I felt like taking a few selfies as well

I am kinda unsure what colour my hair is these days, I reeeally ought to dye it again soon >. >"""

It´s sorta blue–green–blonde–gray-ish uhm... I don´t even know XD haha

Yesterday (24th of October as you might remember) something else also happend. 

I had gotten an offer from the hospital where I was going to be admitted, about that trial–week, on Tuesday.... I sorta ignored it up until now, trying to not think to hard about it, but I realized despite how afraid it makes me, and how much I don´t want to do it

 I will go through with it after all...

 

It is mostly because of pressure though, because no-one wants me to just stay at home anymore, and ultimately it was such a mental pressure I just... 

I still feel really bad about the whole dicition >.< 

So, as a heads-up!

Next tuesday I will be admitted at the special hospital for a trial–week
at their ED–oriented program, to see how they work there and such... 

What that will result in, I have no idea as of yet... I am just extremly nervous and I have this urging grudge growing in me about it all, so I´d rather not even think about it right now >.< 

Thank you for reading this far!

I hope I will be able to update soon again :–)

Matta-ne!

The worst day ever

Today is my birthday.

I bet you didn´t expect a headline like that, with a follow up line like that underneath it! 

Well, it truly was... 

Today was surposed to be my day... a day where I could feel a little bit pampered and dandy. Not having to do the dishes or make dinner, get greetings and presents, and simply have a nice time.

Sadly, I already knew when this week begun that my school day was going to be rather terrible. Therefore I took extra measure this morning, and made sure to look extra nice. Proper makeup, comfortable, yet nice clothes and even a little hairdo! Even though today

 was going to be a bit shitty, I could atleast look good.

Two tests in one day, AND a terribly gruesome movie

 that our teacher was going to make us watch!

I was lucky enough to get an alternative to watching the movie, because I just couldn´t take it. (If you are wondering what movie it was, it was "The Green Mile"... It is such a disturbing movie that it makes me teary eyed and nauseous just thinking about it... I have seen it once, and I will NEVER do that again... I promised myself that... it was far to gruesome and horrible

 for anyone to ever have to suffer through...)

One of the tests was an oral presentation also, so I was twice as nervous about that. 

Whenever I am going to have a presentation, I just start shaking 

and the first couple of sentences are always sounding like I´m about to cry...

I don´t know how much I remembered about the subject, it had to do with legal rights as an employee, because the only thing I remember is that I doubted my words for two seconds too long, and I felt like a total screw up when I had to peek at my notes... 

Luckily, I felt like the other test went rather good. It was about literature (fiction) and especially the genre short-stories. I had read through the chapter many times, but lately I have just felt like everything I read comes into my head and leaves just as quickly... 

I simply can´t concentrate for the life of me.

 

It took a while before people remembered it was my birthday, but they were all very good to me, and sang me a birthday song and hugged me. That part was really nice.

Then the last bomb dropped. I had finally finished everything that had been stressing me and ruining my mood all week, when my dad texted me and said he was with my mom at the hospital for a check-up. Ok, I thought to myself, since I know she has had a pain in her stomach for a while, and she also told me she was going for a check up today. So this news didn´t really startle me. I was a bit puzzled over the fact that my dad joined in though, 

but he told me everything was fine and I should just go home after school. 

So I did... we texted some more, and suddenly he told me my mom had to have a surgery... o_o

My phone died and I felt a bit nervous... I put it on charge as fast as I got home, but we didn´t have any more contact over the phone after that.

I had no idea what was going on until my father came home some time later, and then he told me everything. They had found a tumor, and decided to get rid of it right away. They know nothing about if it´s a bad or good tumor yet and they probably won´t know until it´s been a couple of days with some testing and such... 

I am so scared ;_; I love my mom so much... I just want everything to be ok with her. I can´t even concentrate on anything. This is just so terrible. The worst part is that I feel like this whole thing is just numb. Like, I don´t feel no extreme fear or that I worry a lot, 

I just feel sorry that I am not able to care more. 

I am also so very sad because this means I won´t be able to celebrate my birthday this year either ;_;

I didn´t last year, and I can´t now... and I know it`s really selfish, but it made me so sad... I just... 

My dad was really a downer when he first came home, I tried to start making the rest of the dinner my mom had prepared for them to make when we came home, and he even said

 he didn´t feel like eating at all. I just couldn´t take it...that made the cup float over it´s limits....

 I just started crying. 

He hugged me, and helped me make dinner, and even though we were both kind of silent and deeply sunken into our thoughts, we tried to do the best out of the situation. We toasted and finished the dinner. My dad took the rest of it in a doggy-bag to bring to my mom,

 since he said it would be a lot better than the food at the hospital. Then he went to visit her... 

I honestly did not want to go along with him yet. 

And now we are here. At the end of the day. My whole day has been a big bomb dropped after another and now I am just so sad that everything bad had to happen on my birthday.

I just thought I´d share that with you guys. I know this entry might not be interesting at all, but it is a part of my life, and if you read my blog, you must somehow have an interest in me also.

Thanks for reading