The force of......thinking!

After long consideration, and loooong trains of thought, and not to forget mentioning huge amount of both physical and mental pain for months, and years, I have figured there is only one way for me not to die...

I have been having an increased amount of pain in my chest recently... waking up with heartpains and going to bed with heartpains... It is really scary being so short of breath and feeling so exhausted for no reason other than simply being awake...

Not that is was only that though, I have had serious issuses with compulsory needs and happenigns in my life, to the extend that it has completely taken over my life, making me force myself to do all kinds of paifull "rituals" everyday, with extreme amounts of working out, not eating etc...  I had this evil little bug in my mind that has been toturing me for almost seven years now...

It physically made me ill, it mentally made me mad and now.... I just can´t stand it...

My whole life has been dedicated to the thought of me being a worthless person, in need of punishment for not doing everything perfectly at all times, and if I couldn´t do it for a single second, I had to punish myself with more work, more training, more pain...

At the worst stage (in the most recent period of my life) I had a routine that started the second I woke up to the very last second I went to bed, only allowing me about 45 min of freetime throughout the entire day, filling up everything else with huge amounts of homework and work outs... but nothing I ever did was good enough, I was not allowed to spend time on anything else, because I was worthless...

And, after a yet another meeting about my serious condition, and talk of eventual admitting in a hospital, I suddenly felt this incredibly strong sensation, and..

it was amazing O.O

I suddenly felt like I woke up from a strong sleep that had lasted for years and years...
and I knew... it was my disease letting go... 

It hit me like a two ton rock in my stomach, I just felt this incredible feeling like "this is not me anymore!"

It is absolutely incredible, but after six years of more or less endless pain,
I feel like I am ready to start fighting this... 

It will be a long and slow battle, and I am afraid it will have tons of relapses and sessions with me getting worse... and I am sure this disease will pretty much stay with me in some kind of form my whole life...

 but I hope...

  I hope ...

I hope I will be able to atleast feel comfortable about myself one day! That, before anything else, will be my goal. My mind has been so twisted for so long... it is filled with selfhatred and thoughts about me not being worth anything, and not being good enough at anything, and for once, I would like to allow myself to be that. Good enough, that is... I feel incredibly bad just writing about it, because my disease still holds such a strong bond over me, but yeah.... I hope that I will be able to look at what I do one day and feel like its enough, and like I am proud of it or atleast pleased :-)! 

In the light of this "awakening" I have ordered some new things to try out some totally new styles! 

I felt it was time to order things again, both because it is a looong time since I last did, and because I kinda wanted to try something new, but ALSO because it´s soon time for Halloween again (and I absolutely LOVE Halloween *v*) so I needed something to wear for the occation! ^^ 

 

Anyway, made my first order ever from the online store

 ROMWE ! 

I would really reccomend taking a look at their online shop if you like cute,
alternative fashion and cool street styles! ^^  They have tons of it! 

The things I decided to get was some stuff I acctually never imagined I would fall for ;V; But yeah... It was probably time I renewed my closet, and tried out something totally new!

Here is my new Halloween dress! ^^

(direct link to the actual dress)

I have loved this design ever since I saw pictures of it on tumblr last year, so I am really happy that I was able to get my hands on it! ^^ I hope my order arrives in time for halloween, and that it will look good on me ;V; hehe... I am a bit nervous about the open back thingie,
but I hope I will have the confidence to wear it anyway!

And this is the second dress I got!

(direct link to the actual dress)

I just totally fell in love with this dress immediately when I saw it, and really... it is like nothing I own from beforehand, so it will be something totally new for me!
I think it kinda looks like something casual from Juliette Et Justine! ^^

I really like the design however ;V; Also hoping it will suit me,
and that I am able to dress it up in a nice kind of way! :-)

Atleast it will give me a nice opportunity to wear some lovely golden accessories and details >v<! <3
I allready have tons of ideas * v*

 

So yeah, that was just a small update for now.... but I feel like it is definitely one of the most important text posts I have ever made in my life. I hope you guys will respond in the comment box below, I would love to hear your thoughts upon the matter. 

Let´s try to be positive everyone, and focus on the nice things in life :)
It is ok to be sick once in a while, but when it totally defines your life an almost kills you...
it shouldn´t be ok like that... Wow, I still have to force myself to even write that, since my head tells me it´s acctually right that it is that way... 

I hope I will be able to work with this... 

I am really scared and nervous about it all, but I will try!

For now, that is all I´ve got.

Thank you all for reading this far!