fredag 25. oktober 2013

A longer period of time

When you really don´t feel like life is going anywhere, updating your blog isn´t something you think much about. So, I decided to save up some stuff over a bit of time, so that I would acctually have something to show you guys! ^^ 

Ok, so, nothing much has happend since my "awakening". As I might have mentioned back then, we had our autumn brake off school (thursday the 10th and friday the11th of October – through that following weekend) and because of my mental and physical condition back then I, together with my parents and therapist, decided it would be best for me to just stay home the whole following week as well. To get some rest basically (because I am completely burned out and everything is making me tired, especially over-thinking).
My therapist wrote a notice for my teacher about it.

I felt really... scared. Everything felt fresh and new, and it was just like I had got a totally new pair of eyes that had never seen the world before. It was like a cloud had lifted off my head, and after so many years I could see things clearly! 
After my visit at the hospital (where they were thinking of admitting me) I had about 10 days of nothingness ahead of me. It was quite motivating to think about, conserning how I felt about working on my disease. However, I was so exhausted from everyday life that I pretty much just slept away most of the week. I had initially planned to set up a schedule for myself and try to work on some things, but my anxiety just grew, and my depression got stronger, and I felt so incredibly tired all the time, for merly excisting, not neccesarily even doing anything, that I wound up spending most of my time sleeping. My positive thoughts dissapeared and I fell back into the disease again...

To make things worse, my mac died the second day of autumn brake, so I couldn´t do much homework either. I used an old computer and borrowed my moms´ sometimes, mostly to send messages to my teachers and ask them about stuff/updates. 
I felt really, really bad about not going to school >.<

Anyway, going back a bit again, to mention what happend at the time: during the first weekend after my mini-brake had started (around the 12th of october) me and my parents went into town
to look around some shops.
I wore a rather casual outfit, that felt a bit cold, but I was lucky enough to
borrow my mothers extremly snuggly sweater! 

I could live in this thing.
Sweater is from Ireland, pants from H&M, Shoes from Scotland, beret from paris,
Scarf from H&M, accessories are homemade, and from local shops, and BrokenDoll,
and lastly, tshirt from Taobao. 

We had a nice, calm day mainly browsing, and my mom ran some errands.
I tried looking around for some nice, warm sweaters for autumn and winter,
but I didn´t really find anything that cought my interest...
However, I did find a really lovely kind of scarf that I have wanted to get for ages.
It´s the kind that is like an enormous collar that you just twirl around your head several times.
A huge, knitted thingie with a lovely, deep, wine red colour. 
Have never owned one of those scarfs, so when my mom offered to buy it for me as a little "present of the day" I squeeled in joy and couldn´t stop smiling for about an hour later >////v/////>

After that day nothing much happend onwards, as I mentioned before...
I got a new meeting at the hospital where I was perhaps meant to be admitted (because they usually have two meetings like that before they decide anything), and this time my father joined me.
It was exactly a week after the first meeting.

I decided that even if I was going out for such a sad reason, I atleast wanted to look kinda decent, 
so I dressed myself in autumn colours (mustard yellow, dark green, wine red with golden details
and I tried to prepare my mind for what was ahead. 

To be quite honest, I was terrified and felt extremly uncomfortable about the whole situation.
I am just happy I was able to spend the whole day with my dad, atleast. 
It was kinda fun, once the meeting part was over :–) 

You see, to get to the town where the special hospital is, you got to travel by plane for about 30-40 min. And because our meeting was in the morning around noon, and our plane tickets to return home was around 9 pm, we had the whole days to ourself down town!
It is a lot bigger place than any of our local towns, so we had plenty to do. 

As we explored stores, both together and seperatly, I stumbled upon a full-lenght mirror, 
and thought I might just as well snap a picture of my look.
It is only with my coat on, but I kinda like how it looked anyway.

Here you see my incredibly huge, head-eating new scarf that my mom got me the weekend before!
And you can see my attractive hobo-gloves and my pants that are far too big ^^" eheh
Comfy outfit was comfy! I kinda like how I did my hair too :–) 

After getting home that day, I felt even more certain that I wouldn´t want to be admitted. Still they convinced me to accept getting an "offer about a trial–week" the following tuesday (the 22th of October, after my mini–brake was over and I had gone back to school), so I could get some more time to think about it.

Then, in the second weekend/the last days of my brake came, me and my mom decided to go out together on saturday, for a "girls day out". We both felt like we could need a little "cheer–up", so we went into our local town to do some shopping, and then visit one of the small cafés we have there. 
It was so lovely! Recently, it has suddenly becoming really wintery around here, since it has been snowing heavily for the last couple of weeks, so it felt nice folding my hands around a nice cup of cocoa. I also got a really big cookie that I can´t understand how they were able to make (it was the size my face or something O.o) (gosh I feel terrible talking about food, I´ll just stop now >.<

I guess what my point was building up to, was that I acctually decided to dress up that day also.
I felt this extreme pull towards fairy–kei, so I just went pastel, pastel, pastel
 I look kinda mad for some reason ^^" ehehe

... after adding some more details. I got most of these things from online shops, like my Milklim sweater, Kreepsville 666, HolleyTeaTime, Chocomint, Taobao and CuteCanKill accessories.
Other accessories include stuff that is homemade,
gifts and stuff I bought at conventions (6%DokiDoki bow etc.) and local shops.

The very last day of my brake (sunday 20th of october) I completely devoted to writing letters and drawing. I feel kinda proud I was acctually able to draw a proper drawing, after weeks and weeks of not even doodling. Truth is, I really, really, really DON´T have the energy to draw or be creative at all, so I was completely beat after drawing only this, even it only being A5 sized >.< 
I was so close to giving up on everything several times, 
just because I felt so tried and unconsentrated, but I forced myself to pull through.
I don´t know if this will be the only one I draw this year or not, and I know it´s a bit early, 

but anyway...
here is my halloween drawing!

(I am sorry the picture is kinda dark, it was taken late in the evening!)
I only used colouring pencils on this one, except for the fine-liner and the shiny,
 white spots that I did with my Sakura gelly-roll. I just adore halloween themes, 
and especially the colour combination of orange and purple!^^
  I hope you guys like my illustration, please feel free to comment about it below! <3

Moving on to even more recent events:
Even though this whole week has pretty much been one big work–load from morning until night, since I missed the week before, we did some stuff that was kinda fun at school. We have recently been given a self–portrait assignement, that we had pretty much no rules for. Me being sick for a week, made me miss most of the task, but I was still able to snap some pictures during the last hours of our school day on thursday ( 24th of october). I was trying to go for a "mermaidy–fairy-like" kind of look, mixed with my national roots and a bit of symbolism. Keep in mind that I had veeery limited amount of time, and very limited amount of self–esteem and energy... I had initially planned this whole cupcakey lolita extreme sugar kawaii glittery cute explotion of a picture, but my health and mental condition wouldn´t allow that just now... despite feeling like a failure,
I kinda like how they turned out anyway.

Keep in mind that I came up with this idea on a one–day notice!

Here is a few of the pictures we snapped:
(blogger kinda ruins the quality though)

Well, yeah >.<" I know they are kinda... weird, and I know the concept is really vague, but... uhm.. well ^^" ehehe... I hope you guys like them anyway :–p

I took the bus home after school that day, and since I was allready wearing makeup,
and because I just cut my fringe, I felt like taking a few selfies as well

I am kinda unsure what colour my hair is these days, I reeeally ought to dye it again soon >. >"""
It´s sorta blue–green–blonde–gray-ish uhm... I don´t even know XD haha

Yesterday (24th of October as you might remember) something else also happend. 
I had gotten an offer from the hospital where I was going to be admitted, about that trial–week, on Tuesday.... I sorta ignored it up until now, trying to not think to hard about it, but I realized despite how afraid it makes me, and how much I don´t want to do it

 I will go through with it after all...
It is mostly because of pressure though, because no-one wants me to just stay at home anymore, and ultimately it was such a mental pressure I just... 
I still feel really bad about the whole dicition >.< 

So, as a heads-up!

Next tuesday I will be admitted at the special hospital for a trial–week
at their ED–oriented program, to see how they work there and such... 
What that will result in, I have no idea as of yet... I am just extremly nervous and I have this urging grudge growing in me about it all, so I´d rather not even think about it right now >.< 

Thank you for reading this far!
I hope I will be able to update soon again :–)


fredag 11. oktober 2013

The force of......thinking!

After long consideration, and loooong trains of thought, and not to forget mentioning huge amount of both physical and mental pain for months, and years, I have figured there is only one way for me not to die...
I have been having an increased amount of pain in my chest recently... waking up with heartpains and going to bed with heartpains... It is really scary being so short of breath and feeling so exhausted for no reason other than simply being awake...

Not that is was only that though, I have had serious issuses with compulsory needs and happenigns in my life, to the extend that it has completely taken over my life, making me force myself to do all kinds of paifull "rituals" everyday, with extreme amounts of working out, not eating etc...  I had this evil little bug in my mind that has been toturing me for almost seven years now...
It physically made me ill, it mentally made me mad and now.... I just can´t stand it...

My whole life has been dedicated to the thought of me being a worthless person, in need of punishment for not doing everything perfectly at all times, and if I couldn´t do it for a single second, I had to punish myself with more work, more training, more pain...
At the worst stage (in the most recent period of my life) I had a routine that started the second I woke up to the very last second I went to bed, only allowing me about 45 min of freetime throughout the entire day, filling up everything else with huge amounts of homework and work outs... but nothing I ever did was good enough, I was not allowed to spend time on anything else, because I was worthless...

And, after a yet another meeting about my serious condition, and talk of eventual admitting in a hospital, I suddenly felt this incredibly strong sensation, and..

it was amazing O.O

I suddenly felt like I woke up from a strong sleep that had lasted for years and years...
and I knew... it was my disease letting go... 
It hit me like a two ton rock in my stomach, I just felt this incredible feeling like "this is not me anymore!"
It is absolutely incredible, but after six years of more or less endless pain,
I feel like I am ready to start fighting this... 
It will be a long and slow battle, and I am afraid it will have tons of relapses and sessions with me getting worse... and I am sure this disease will pretty much stay with me in some kind of form my whole life...

 but I hope...
  I hope ...

I hope I will be able to atleast feel comfortable about myself one day! That, before anything else, will be my goal. My mind has been so twisted for so long... it is filled with selfhatred and thoughts about me not being worth anything, and not being good enough at anything, and for once, I would like to allow myself to be that. Good enough, that is... I feel incredibly bad just writing about it, because my disease still holds such a strong bond over me, but yeah.... I hope that I will be able to look at what I do one day and feel like its enough, and like I am proud of it or atleast pleased :-)! 

In the light of this "awakening" I have ordered some new things to try out some totally new styles
I felt it was time to order things again, both because it is a looong time since I last did, and because I kinda wanted to try something new, but ALSO because it´s soon time for Halloween again (and I absolutely LOVE Halloween *v*) so I needed something to wear for the occation! ^^ 


Anyway, made my first order ever from the online store


I would really reccomend taking a look at their online shop if you like cute,
alternative fashion and cool street styles! ^^  They have tons of it! 

The things I decided to get was some stuff I acctually never imagined I would fall for ;V; But yeah... It was probably time I renewed my closet, and tried out something totally new!

Here is my new Halloween dress! ^^

I have loved this design ever since I saw pictures of it on tumblr last year, so I am really happy that I was able to get my hands on it! ^^ I hope my order arrives in time for halloween, and that it will look good on me ;V; hehe... I am a bit nervous about the open back thingie,
but I hope I will have the confidence to wear it anyway!

And this is the second dress I got!

I just totally fell in love with this dress immediately when I saw it, and really... it is like nothing I own from beforehand, so it will be something totally new for me!
I think it kinda looks like something casual from Juliette Et Justine! ^^
I really like the design however ;V; Also hoping it will suit me,
and that I am able to dress it up in a nice kind of way! :-)
Atleast it will give me a nice opportunity to wear some lovely golden accessories and details >v<! <3
I allready have tons of ideas * v*


So yeah, that was just a small update for now.... but I feel like it is definitely one of the most important text posts I have ever made in my life. I hope you guys will respond in the comment box below, I would love to hear your thoughts upon the matter. 

Let´s try to be positive everyone, and focus on the nice things in life :)
It is ok to be sick once in a while, but when it totally defines your life an almost kills you...
it shouldn´t be ok like that... Wow, I still have to force myself to even write that, since my head tells me it´s acctually right that it is that way... 

I hope I will be able to work with this... 
I am really scared and nervous about it all, but I will try!
For now, that is all I´ve got.

Thank you all for reading this far!

lørdag 5. oktober 2013

- A rhapsody in pink -

I am sorry for not writing >.< Sorry again, for that is something I have said I won´t write,
but it continues to happen XD haha
My life isn´t all easy peasy right now, sadly...

However, I wanted to write a little bit today because I just got my first rhapsody wig! I chose the colour pink, because it was such a light and fluffy colour, it reminded me of cotton candy! 

I decided to do a little outfit to celebrate it!
+ Pink tartan +

Onepiece: DreamV
Cutsew: Angelic Pretty
Tights: H&M
Socks: H&M Kids section
Shoes: An*tai*na
Acceossories: H&M Kids section, homemade, gift, 
Cute Can Kill, Glitter, Hello Kitty

"huhuhu, I like this hairstyle = v="


Other than the wig, I was also able to snatch ut my dream bag of many years now ;V; 

It is the famous heart shaped bag from MILK! ^^ And I got it in GOLD *V*
It is a really rare colour, and I´ve always wanted it since I first saw it ;A; 
And now I´ve got it ;V; *cries* happy happy happy! >v<

Also! A girl in my class recently gave me an adorable little vinyl figurine of Finn from
Adventure Time! ^^ it was for no reason also, so I was totally caught by surpise ;A; 
It was sooo super duper cute and it looked so lonely all by itself, 
so I kinda had to get a Jake figurine to keep it company ;V;

Aren´t these guys adorable ?*U* <3
They are standing on my desk lamp as little mascots to cheer me up ^^ hehe

Now, that was all I had to say this time! 
My life is kinda difficult due to my disease, so I really don´t know whats happening onwards
from here... All I can do really, is wait and see...

What kind is the newest wig you you have got?

Thanks for reading and please comment below!