fredag 11. oktober 2013

The force of......thinking!

After long consideration, and loooong trains of thought, and not to forget mentioning huge amount of both physical and mental pain for months, and years, I have figured there is only one way for me not to die...
I have been having an increased amount of pain in my chest recently... waking up with heartpains and going to bed with heartpains... It is really scary being so short of breath and feeling so exhausted for no reason other than simply being awake...

Not that is was only that though, I have had serious issuses with compulsory needs and happenigns in my life, to the extend that it has completely taken over my life, making me force myself to do all kinds of paifull "rituals" everyday, with extreme amounts of working out, not eating etc...  I had this evil little bug in my mind that has been toturing me for almost seven years now...
It physically made me ill, it mentally made me mad and now.... I just can´t stand it...

My whole life has been dedicated to the thought of me being a worthless person, in need of punishment for not doing everything perfectly at all times, and if I couldn´t do it for a single second, I had to punish myself with more work, more training, more pain...
At the worst stage (in the most recent period of my life) I had a routine that started the second I woke up to the very last second I went to bed, only allowing me about 45 min of freetime throughout the entire day, filling up everything else with huge amounts of homework and work outs... but nothing I ever did was good enough, I was not allowed to spend time on anything else, because I was worthless...

And, after a yet another meeting about my serious condition, and talk of eventual admitting in a hospital, I suddenly felt this incredibly strong sensation, and..

it was amazing O.O

I suddenly felt like I woke up from a strong sleep that had lasted for years and years...
and I knew... it was my disease letting go... 
It hit me like a two ton rock in my stomach, I just felt this incredible feeling like "this is not me anymore!"
It is absolutely incredible, but after six years of more or less endless pain,
I feel like I am ready to start fighting this... 
It will be a long and slow battle, and I am afraid it will have tons of relapses and sessions with me getting worse... and I am sure this disease will pretty much stay with me in some kind of form my whole life...

 but I hope...
  I hope ...

I hope I will be able to atleast feel comfortable about myself one day! That, before anything else, will be my goal. My mind has been so twisted for so long... it is filled with selfhatred and thoughts about me not being worth anything, and not being good enough at anything, and for once, I would like to allow myself to be that. Good enough, that is... I feel incredibly bad just writing about it, because my disease still holds such a strong bond over me, but yeah.... I hope that I will be able to look at what I do one day and feel like its enough, and like I am proud of it or atleast pleased :-)! 

In the light of this "awakening" I have ordered some new things to try out some totally new styles
I felt it was time to order things again, both because it is a looong time since I last did, and because I kinda wanted to try something new, but ALSO because it´s soon time for Halloween again (and I absolutely LOVE Halloween *v*) so I needed something to wear for the occation! ^^ 


Anyway, made my first order ever from the online store


I would really reccomend taking a look at their online shop if you like cute,
alternative fashion and cool street styles! ^^  They have tons of it! 

The things I decided to get was some stuff I acctually never imagined I would fall for ;V; But yeah... It was probably time I renewed my closet, and tried out something totally new!

Here is my new Halloween dress! ^^

I have loved this design ever since I saw pictures of it on tumblr last year, so I am really happy that I was able to get my hands on it! ^^ I hope my order arrives in time for halloween, and that it will look good on me ;V; hehe... I am a bit nervous about the open back thingie,
but I hope I will have the confidence to wear it anyway!

And this is the second dress I got!

I just totally fell in love with this dress immediately when I saw it, and really... it is like nothing I own from beforehand, so it will be something totally new for me!
I think it kinda looks like something casual from Juliette Et Justine! ^^
I really like the design however ;V; Also hoping it will suit me,
and that I am able to dress it up in a nice kind of way! :-)
Atleast it will give me a nice opportunity to wear some lovely golden accessories and details >v<! <3
I allready have tons of ideas * v*


So yeah, that was just a small update for now.... but I feel like it is definitely one of the most important text posts I have ever made in my life. I hope you guys will respond in the comment box below, I would love to hear your thoughts upon the matter. 

Let´s try to be positive everyone, and focus on the nice things in life :)
It is ok to be sick once in a while, but when it totally defines your life an almost kills you...
it shouldn´t be ok like that... Wow, I still have to force myself to even write that, since my head tells me it´s acctually right that it is that way... 

I hope I will be able to work with this... 
I am really scared and nervous about it all, but I will try!
For now, that is all I´ve got.

Thank you all for reading this far!

26 kommentarer:

  1. I'm kinda moved right now. Since I am in a similar situation, and going to the hospital soon. I have this disease for seven years now and I'm fighting it since four four years. It still won't get better, just worse. But reading your text gives me the strengh to keep fighting. I wish you everything good on your way and I hope you'll make it and feel comfortable one day! I'm sure you can do it!

    1. Sorry, I just noticed I've made maaany mistakes!
      *I've had this disease for seven years until now
      *I'm fighting it since four years

      Well, I guess that was it. Sorry! >.<

    2. aww, I am sad you´ve had it for a longer while than me even >.> I have almost reached 7 years now... I wish you the best of luck ! I am really scared right now, but I will try to fight ;_; *thank you for the support! Now let me support you! I hope you will feel well soon ;A; *hug* fighto!!!

  2. oh gosh. i totally get this down to the new clothes. just the need to be done with it and start over.

    i've been dealing with mental health issues for like my whole life, there have been breaks in it but those where only due to focusing more on other people than myself but l'm just so sick of it i've lost myself, i dont even know myself, the only bits of myself i know from not destroying myself were two sane years spent almost entirely with my best friend and i had my life together then but once she was gone i lost myself again.

    then recently i decided i wanted to get better for myself and i'm like heck yeah new clothes new me new everything. and bits of the person i was in those years have come back but there's also all kinds of new things its like spring everything is so new inside of me.

    unfortunately i've had a lot of issues with my ex and it's set me back quite a bit, i would be doing really well now without the additional stress...

    but hopefully in a month or so i'll have some money to treat myself to new clothes and stuff and i'll be able to start building on myself in a more solid way than in my mind(and you know, like, not hurting myself).
    like, the changes to the things that involve those, i feel like they can change back whenever like this, but if i start doing new things elsewhere in my life it makes it more permanent.

    like i've been attempting to work on developing my own artstyle rather than just make random stuff or generic things.

    it's all very good. the only problem is the art gets in the way of school and while i know i cant be harsh on myself over grades and stuff it's also like, if i spend 12 hours drawing i don't have enough time. and as important as school is so is finding myself, and school just doesnt seem to be getting me anywhere. from the time i was 7 or 8 i had the intellegence of a high school graduate so i never had to learn anything or work really hard for good grades but i expected highly of myself anyway and would beat myself up over Bs. now i'm in college and i never learned how to learn and so i'm kind of lost and messed up with that and no matter how much effort i put into it i'm still behind and even though most of the grades i'm getting are good, theres a lot that just goes undone and so i'm not doing well with school to begin with let alone giving time for my art.

    but i feel like the art is more important, even if all the stuff i'm making now just experimenting. school is making me miserable and i want to quit and do my own thing from now on and be free but not only is it me with overly high expectations for grades but my mom pushes education too hard too.

    so its like, i want to get better and i think i really can now but there are so many obstacles, and i want to just quit. but i havent yet, because i think it'll be worth it to keep trying.

    i didn't mean to start venting to you about my problems i think what i'm just trying to say is that things WILL start to get complicated and bumpy, recovery isn't an easy road, so be prepared. and once you hit the obstacles, keep going anyway, it'll be really hard, but you can get through this, it may not be pleasant, in fact it might hurt a lot.... but you will be okay eventually, if you keep on trying you'll succeed, even if you fall a lot you can always stand back up, i believe in you >u<

    1. I recognize your situation with school, in the sense that I push myself way too hard, and I´ve always found it kinda easy , but for me it was more taht school became my life and nothing else at all... I hope you are able to feel better soon ;_; I know it will be hard... I´ve been in this shit for almost 7 years now... thank you very much for the support! I appreciate it a lot!

  3. OMG T^T I was reading through your entry and... I think you're a really brave person, and hope you can win that disease. You're great, and I love to read your entries, they're like a little bit of pink light on a world of grey clouds...
    My best wishes <3

    1. Thank you for the support ;A; <3 I am happy you enjoy my blog! It makes me happy and encourages me greatly ^^

  4. I also have a mental disease as I try to fight against. I can't say that I know exactly how you feel cause that's a stupid thing to say. You can never know exactly what's going on inside another persons mind, and then know that you feel the exact same. But I do recognise myself in what you describe. People who aren't into it have no idea about how hard it is to fight those thoughts and feelings. As well as I'm hoping for myself to feel better, I'm hoping the same for you. Good luck, cutie! ʚ♡ɞ

    1. Thank you darling ;V; that is really inspiring! I hope it will be well for you also <3

  5. Ah I think I understand you, I got a physical disease, which caused a mental disease with years of bullying and crying over the worthless me and ended in hurting myself and almost ended in...well.
    I'm glad you try to fight it, you seem like a strong and sweet person! :> Good luck, Josephine! Faito! ╭( ・ㅂ・)و

    1. thank you! ;V; omg that is such a cute emoticon <3 hehe ^^ Thank you a whole bunch! :D

  6. I'm so happy to hear that you had an "awakening" or whatever you can call it! I was depressed & bullied for years but then I just turned it all around with the force of my own mind. I didn't want to hurt myself or feel depressed anymore... I wanted to be positive & happy, so I turned it all around myself, because I believe that with mental problems it's all about YOU helping yourself. You are your own cure & happiness! I wish all well to you & hope you feel more than well soon :)

    1. I think its time for me to try thinking like that too... I have tried doing it everyone elses way before, but after all, it is about me and it should be done on my permits...
      Thanks for the support!

  7. I've been dealing with exactly the same things for maybe 3-4 years, but I was lucky and got help really fast, but I was and I'm still having these really terrible days were I don't get how people can think I'm "good" now. It's like the disorder is still a part of me but no one else than I can see it, and that makes me so frustrated sometimes!

    But anyways, the thing I wanted to say is that I'm really happy to hear that you have decided to fight your disorder! It's not easy and some days are terrible, but after a while I promise you that you will feel a lot better, and I mean a lot! Sure, there's still some really dumb and annoying thoughts left but you learn how to make them smaller and not to take over too much. I really hope that you're going to get better soon and I think you're really strong! (´;ω;`) Take care and I know that you can do this~♥

  8. It's good to see you're fitghting it. Just remember that you're a very strong and brave person, you can do it!! ♥

    I like the dresses you have bought, the first will be perfect for Halloween indeed! And the second is awesome, the colors are so vibrant, I can't wait to see it worn on you :D

    Lots of hugs, and take good care of yourself please..I believe in you!

    1. thanks for the support! I am excited about the dresses as well :)

  9. You go girl! Im sure you can fight this if you just want to. :D We are all here to support you and cheer on you. Remember that you are one unique, special and beautiful human being. And this is your life.. Live it! Be happy! Smile! It will not be easy, but Im sure you can do it! Stay strong, dear. <3

    An the clothes are beautiful! Im looking forward to halloween myself. ; u ;

    1. yay! ^^ thank you very much! :D I am looking forward to getting my new clothes ;V;
      I know this will be terribly hard, but I will just have to take my time on it!

  10. Great job, Josephine! <3
    I love your new clothes too :3 have fun wearing the lovelies, you deserve them!

    1. thank you! I am looking forward for them to arrive ;V;

  11. I know how you feel cause I got the same problem as you and been having it almost 4 years now. But I luckily got some help fast and been to hospital twice cause I fell back even worse. Today I've almost recovered. I now it's possible and I now that you can too, it's a big step just to decide to recover.
    Be strong<3

    1. thank you very much ;v; I am happy you have come so far! I myself have been sick for almost 6 years now, and I´ve been hospitalized around 7 times... I have come to the conclution that It has to happen on my own terms though, or else it is just messed up

  12. Hey, Sweetie! <3 It makes me glad to hear you reach these milestones. It shows that you are strong and that you will eventually reach your goal! Life is a journey and sometimes it can get really rough. But even with everything a person has to go through, if you never give up and keep fighting, you will always have support and love of friends and family and you will reach the goal. Just get from one milestone to the next. Never stop! <3 I'm so proud of you!

  13. It makes me so happy reading, that you will starting recovery. It warms my heart a lot <3 I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you, and hopes everything will turned out well. Just keep fighting dear<3

    I love the Halloween dress you got! It's so funny and pretty<3

  14. It was almost impossible not to comment: You know, I've been through it also; many women have. Fortunately, I got better, however, I don't quite know how. If you do not already have a psychiatrist and/or therapist (having both works like a charm), I recommend you try and get one. First of all, it may not be the fault of negative thinking and self-hatred, but a part of it may be your brain chemicals. Consider going to the doctor, of course, and have them diagnose your depression, then they'll find you a wonderful therapist whom you can tell all your problems, and anything you want, really. Now, if you have a psychiatrist, they'll also diagnose you, and then try to find the right medicine that will stabilize those happiness levels in your brain! If you already have medicine and therapy, and nothing works, try weening yourself off the eating disorder. Eat more and more each day, until you get to a healthy amount of food each day. It's okay to occasionally slip up, but to deter this, try sticking to a list of happy things and places. Example: Find nature, especially sunshine, eat omega 3, pet cats, listen to music (the kind that is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to not smile to), and just smile! Smiling, even when you aren't happy, is a natural mood-lifter, obviously. But when you feel down, smile, even if you aren't happy. Also, laugh. Find a new obsession, laugh about your problems, tell society and that nagging voice in your head to go f*** itself, and move on with your life. Get through the tough times, emerge with a smile, and live life some more because after all, we all eventually pass away anyway, so what's the point? ;D P.S. I read every single entry of your blog because you're just that amazing ^.^ You're also an inspiration on my style and you are extremely gorgeous. I don't know how you call yourself ugly. xoxoxo ~emily