fredag 8. november 2013


No one likes reading "all text" posts. 
As an avid blog reader myself, I know that too much text looks a bit overpowering,
and you kinda loose interest before even starting to read what the blog entry is all about.

Well, since we´ve established that, both you (readers) and I can agree on that I won´t make this update long. I am too tired to do so anyway, so don´t worry...

If you WANT to read about my current life, please proceed,
However, if you are here only for pictures or some kind of fashion/style related input,
I can´t help you right now....This is sadly just a personal update, for reference...

As a reward, I can inform you that I will be writing a review soon,
and post some pictures of my Halloween dress that just arrived two days ago (typically)
When I´ve got the energy for it...

This past month has been a rollercoaster of ups and extreme downs, most of all extreme downs...
Ever since my little brake from school after autumn–brake, I have never really gotten "back in the game" sort of... Getting back to school again made me feel anxious and tired, and at some points I felt extremly paranoid and aggressive for no reason at all... Every little thing triggered my mood, and all I could do was hope no one would talk to me or tell me to do anything
because I was so tired I just felt like weeping...

Sometimes, I would acctually just start crying, simply from trying to
talk to someone about something totally normal! Like asking what page to read,
or making a notice of the fact that I was going to the toilet.
I felt actual psycotic at times, thinking of death and just staring blankely into the air, having to read things over and over again to at all grasp what I was doing... 

The week in the ED Phsyciatry place only made me worse... I litterary got sicker....
The whole thing made everything a lot worse than it was before. I really didn´t like the way they lead their routines around that place, and it felt like an agony to be there...
All they did was ... you know.... food....
(I am so bad ill right now I can´t even get myself to WRITE about this ...)
And other than that they just left me in my room, alone...
I only had two conversations with a phsyciatrist, the whole time... other than that everyone treated me like it was something I wanted... to be there, that is... and they treated me like everything was so natural and easy and like nothing was hard at all... I had to call my mom or text her all the time to get some positive feedback at all from being there... it was killing me... I felt like they were just observing like robots and without any kind of feelings around the situations... taking blood samples every single day, making me all dizzy and bruised, and pumping some kind of weird vitamins into my arms through plastic things connected to my veins...
and with my terrible fear of shots and everything >.< ugh

Anyway, getting home this week was kinda rough also...
I had a mental brakedown the first day back here, after getting home from school
(on wednesday, since I came back home on tuesday)
It resulted in my mom forcing me to stay home for the rest of this week,
and they called my school about everything, since it has been such a mess lately...

The meeting involved the vice–principal, the study–leader of my trade at the school,
and my teacher, and both my parents.

We talked about how much my disease is distroying my life at the moment,
and that its not correct of them to allow me into a normal school–life in my state, if this continues...

So they kinda put an out a couple of options for me, none of wich I am able to even think about right now... I am SHOCKED really... I just couldn´t stop crying:

They wanted me to get away from some classes, and only take half, and rather do everything over 
TWO YEARS O_____________O

... I am saying this right now, this is never gonna happen... NEVER!!!

The other option was to lower my workload with excepting less than absolutely perfect everything, but that is also out of the question and they know it, because I am such a perfectionist, and my disease makes me punish myself all the time to push it harder and harder and harder,
to do everything right and be perfect....

and it just gets a million times worse when I don´t.... if I don´t do that... my mind implodes

 So right now, I am just... I am burned out, to be honest... there is really nothing else to say about it.
I am anxious and tired all the time, my whole body feels like I´ve run a million miles and my head shifts from pshycotic thoughts to nothingness and emptyness, to focusing on work work work, and I... am simply having a breakdown... even as tired as I am, I still feel worthless, and like I need to work harder, and that nothing is good enough... I never dress up anymore because it makes me too cold and I am too self–concious about everything. I don´t really feel happyness, just emptyness, I never do anything because I am too tired, I simply exist, I don´t live, sitting around breathing... doing my forever ongoing routine every single day, with all the work, all the exercise and work–outs....

My life is a mess.
I am done now, I have no idea what to say....

Thanks for reading if you did
I am so sorry for dissapointing you and braking down your pictures of me as some kind of good person. I am just a destroyed person. And I am terribly afraid of everything right now... I have been keeping away from updating because of the pressure I´ve felt in relations to it, another area where I have to be perfect, have to look like people want me to look, have to look like I do...

I am just so tired, I wish I wasn´t even born... everything is falling apart, just slipping through my hands right now, I feel so small and scared...



14 kommentarer:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through right now,
    Please know that things do get better. It takes a long time and it will always stay with you in the back of your mind but it does get easier. Is there any way you can go to a different clinic? Maybe that one just isn't right for you. Especially with how they are treating you :/

    You are a good person, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. We're all human and i respect you more for not being afraid to share your feelings. Sending hugs ♥

    ♥ Little Owl Diary

    1. Right now there are no ofther options.... thanks for the support... I am just too tired for everything right now...

  2. It took me 3 years to get over a lot of bad things,even to this day I struggle,it won't happen over night,not even a few months.Just take your time and listen to your body ~ I wish you all the best!

    1. thank you <3 I am just so sick and tired of loosing so much time...

  3. No matter what and how hard it will be, Josephine, I believe in you, you will go through it and you will win that fight. I know that. Maybe those words don't mean much to you or you just give it a weak smile as you read that (or not even that), but that's okay. I will believe in you for the both of us, if you don't. I won't say I know exactly what you feel, because this is impossible, I'm not you. But I honestly can say I understand what you are saying and feeling empty inside is probably one of the worst things ever.

    Sometimes I wish I could come over, grab your hand and just go with you somewhere (but you better don't go with strangers tho, haha).

    Yes, I know, that coming from an anon probably won't help much anyway. Still. What's said is said. And my image of you never changed the slightest bit. You are still an adorable and lovely girl and your disease could never change that image.


    1. Wow, this message ... I don´t even know what to say...
      I feel kinda sad because I acn never answer well enough... I don´t know what to say....
      Thank you very much... it was beautiful ;_;

    2. Haha, you are so cute! You don't have to give an answer, I just wanted to tell you this, really! :> I'm just glad you read my message, this means a lot to me! And sometimes no big words are needed. ❤ Stay strong, Josephine!


  4. It's sad that you have to go through all this and I feel like school is such a draw on me mentally and emotionally lately that I sort of go home and don't want to do anything. But I have to push on. And it sounds like you're going through a pretty rough time, but think of it as it will go up from here.

    You may feel like you're loosing this battle but you can win the war, it sucks but it's true and it takes work and sometimes you do just want to curl up and sleep forever. But working through it will be worth it in the end. I hope you feel better soon. Try not to focus on being small and scared, think of how massive and brave and strong you can be and how happy you can become. You can make up the lost time of school and the rest, getting better and feeling good again is the most important thing. <3

    Good Luck and I hope to see you full of happiness sometime soon ;P <3

    Cute to the Fashion

    1. thank you very much for your encouraging words <3

  5. Lately I've been feeling like you, but I know you're having worst times because of your disease... By reading your blog, I have gotten to the conclution that you're a lovely person and I don't think you deserve to feel like this. But also I know How hard is to get over it. Try to make things that make you happy, it always helps...
    My best wishes foor you, Josephine <3

    1. that you still feel like that, despite reading all of this... it makes me feel really amazed ;_; wow! And thank you very much :-)

  6. I'm sorry to hear about all of this. I wish there was some way I could help and make you believe that everything is going to be ok! You're a beautiful girl & lovely young lady and you just don't deserve to feel like this. Try focusing more on thing's that solely make you happy over all of the bad. I've also been having quite the rough month, but being that it's personal I won't share. But just keep in mind everything I wrote and keep your chin up!

    1. thank you very much! I am sad you have had to gone through some rough things yourself! I hope you are doing better <3

  7. hej josephine
    first of all let me just say i miss you, you terribly nice girl!! i was looking through your blog and found this and maybe it is too late but i had this kind of crisis the second year in gymnasiet. because of my ED i had to get the same kind of meeting with the principal, my guidance counselor etc and my options were kind of the same, to take one extra year in gymnasiet and do the courses a bit slower. and all i can say is that that was the best desicion i have ever done in my life, even if iy was hard and at first i of course felt like a failure. so instead of being in school i did some free work at a cafe in order to get my "studying-money" from the school, and after a while i got a real paid job there as i started to recover. and when my classmates graduated, i had one year left but it was a year of school, friends and work (money,hehe) and my old classmates had no school,no jobs, and so on. long story! but i only wanted to say that i have been in a similar situation and you really need to be nice to yourself. really. also the thing that helped me the most was DBT-therapy! look it up if you dont already know what it is. i wish you feel better now, and know that i am here if there is anything you want or etc. anything. love, agnes