break–down

No one likes reading "all text" posts. 

As an avid blog reader myself, I know that too much text looks a bit overpowering,
and you kinda loose interest before even starting to read what the blog entry is all about.

Well, since we´ve established that, both you (readers) and I can agree on that I won´t make this update long. I am too tired to do so anyway, so don´t worry...

If you WANT to read about my current life, please proceed,
However, if you are here only for pictures or some kind of fashion/style related input,
I can´t help you right now....This is sadly just a personal update, for reference...

As a reward, I can inform you that I will be writing a review soon,
and post some pictures of my Halloween dress that just arrived two days ago (typically)
When I´ve got the energy for it...

This past month has been a rollercoaster of ups and extreme downs, most of all extreme downs...
Ever since my little brake from school after autumn–brake, I have never really gotten "back in the game" sort of... Getting back to school again made me feel anxious and tired, and at some points I felt extremly paranoid and aggressive for no reason at all... Every little thing triggered my mood, and all I could do was hope no one would talk to me or tell me to do anything
because I was so tired I just felt like weeping...

Sometimes, I would acctually just start crying, simply from trying to
talk to someone about something totally normal! Like asking what page to read,
or making a notice of the fact that I was going to the toilet.
I felt actual psycotic at times, thinking of death and just staring blankely into the air, having to read things over and over again to at all grasp what I was doing... 

The week in the ED Phsyciatry place only made me worse... I litterary got sicker....
The whole thing made everything a lot worse than it was before. I really didn´t like the way they lead their routines around that place, and it felt like an agony to be there...

All they did was ... you know.... food....
(I am so bad ill right now I can´t even get myself to WRITE about this ...)

And other than that they just left me in my room, alone...
I only had two conversations with a phsyciatrist, the whole time... other than that everyone treated me like it was something I wanted... to be there, that is... and they treated me like everything was so natural and easy and like nothing was hard at all... I had to call my mom or text her all the time to get some positive feedback at all from being there... it was killing me... I felt like they were just observing like robots and without any kind of feelings around the situations... taking blood samples every single day, making me all dizzy and bruised, and pumping some kind of weird vitamins into my arms through plastic things connected to my veins...
and with my terrible fear of shots and everything >.< ugh

Anyway, getting home this week was kinda rough also...

I had a mental brakedown the first day back here, after getting home from school

(on wednesday, since I came back home on tuesday)

It resulted in my mom forcing me to stay home for the rest of this week,

and they called my school about everything, since it has been such a mess lately...

The meeting involved the vice–principal, the study–leader of my trade at the school,
and my teacher, and both my parents.

We talked about how much my disease is distroying my life at the moment,
and that its not correct of them to allow me into a normal school–life in my state, if this continues...

So they kinda put an out a couple of options for me, none of wich I am able to even think about right now... I am SHOCKED really... I just couldn´t stop crying:

They wanted me to get away from some classes, and only take half, and rather do everything over 

TWO YEARS O_____________O

... I am saying this right now, this is never gonna happen... NEVER!!!

The other option was to lower my workload with excepting less than absolutely perfect everything, but that is also out of the question and they know it, because I am such a perfectionist, and my disease makes me punish myself all the time to push it harder and harder and harder,
to do everything right and be perfect....

and it just gets a million times worse when I don´t.... if I don´t do that... my mind implodes

 So right now, I am just... I am burned out, to be honest... there is really nothing else to say about it.

I am anxious and tired all the time, my whole body feels like I´ve run a million miles and my head shifts from pshycotic thoughts to nothingness and emptyness, to focusing on work work work, and I... am simply having a breakdown... even as tired as I am, I still feel worthless, and like I need to work harder, and that nothing is good enough... I never dress up anymore because it makes me too cold and I am too self–concious about everything. I don´t really feel happyness, just emptyness, I never do anything because I am too tired, I simply exist, I don´t live, sitting around breathing... doing my forever ongoing routine every single day, with all the work, all the exercise and work–outs....

My life is a mess.

I am done now, I have no idea what to say....

Thanks for reading if you did

I am so sorry for dissapointing you and braking down your pictures of me as some kind of good person. I am just a destroyed person. And I am terribly afraid of everything right now... I have been keeping away from updating because of the pressure I´ve felt in relations to it, another area where I have to be perfect, have to look like people want me to look, have to look like I do...

I am just so tired, I wish I wasn´t even born... everything is falling apart, just slipping through my hands right now, I feel so small and scared...

 

 

The worst day ever

Today is my birthday.

I bet you didn´t expect a headline like that, with a follow up line like that underneath it! 

Well, it truly was... 

Today was surposed to be my day... a day where I could feel a little bit pampered and dandy. Not having to do the dishes or make dinner, get greetings and presents, and simply have a nice time.

Sadly, I already knew when this week begun that my school day was going to be rather terrible. Therefore I took extra measure this morning, and made sure to look extra nice. Proper makeup, comfortable, yet nice clothes and even a little hairdo! Even though today

 was going to be a bit shitty, I could atleast look good.

Two tests in one day, AND a terribly gruesome movie

 that our teacher was going to make us watch!

I was lucky enough to get an alternative to watching the movie, because I just couldn´t take it. (If you are wondering what movie it was, it was "The Green Mile"... It is such a disturbing movie that it makes me teary eyed and nauseous just thinking about it... I have seen it once, and I will NEVER do that again... I promised myself that... it was far to gruesome and horrible

 for anyone to ever have to suffer through...)

One of the tests was an oral presentation also, so I was twice as nervous about that. 

Whenever I am going to have a presentation, I just start shaking 

and the first couple of sentences are always sounding like I´m about to cry...

I don´t know how much I remembered about the subject, it had to do with legal rights as an employee, because the only thing I remember is that I doubted my words for two seconds too long, and I felt like a total screw up when I had to peek at my notes... 

Luckily, I felt like the other test went rather good. It was about literature (fiction) and especially the genre short-stories. I had read through the chapter many times, but lately I have just felt like everything I read comes into my head and leaves just as quickly... 

I simply can´t concentrate for the life of me.

 

It took a while before people remembered it was my birthday, but they were all very good to me, and sang me a birthday song and hugged me. That part was really nice.

Then the last bomb dropped. I had finally finished everything that had been stressing me and ruining my mood all week, when my dad texted me and said he was with my mom at the hospital for a check-up. Ok, I thought to myself, since I know she has had a pain in her stomach for a while, and she also told me she was going for a check up today. So this news didn´t really startle me. I was a bit puzzled over the fact that my dad joined in though, 

but he told me everything was fine and I should just go home after school. 

So I did... we texted some more, and suddenly he told me my mom had to have a surgery... o_o

My phone died and I felt a bit nervous... I put it on charge as fast as I got home, but we didn´t have any more contact over the phone after that.

I had no idea what was going on until my father came home some time later, and then he told me everything. They had found a tumor, and decided to get rid of it right away. They know nothing about if it´s a bad or good tumor yet and they probably won´t know until it´s been a couple of days with some testing and such... 

I am so scared ;_; I love my mom so much... I just want everything to be ok with her. I can´t even concentrate on anything. This is just so terrible. The worst part is that I feel like this whole thing is just numb. Like, I don´t feel no extreme fear or that I worry a lot, 

I just feel sorry that I am not able to care more. 

I am also so very sad because this means I won´t be able to celebrate my birthday this year either ;_;

I didn´t last year, and I can´t now... and I know it`s really selfish, but it made me so sad... I just... 

My dad was really a downer when he first came home, I tried to start making the rest of the dinner my mom had prepared for them to make when we came home, and he even said

 he didn´t feel like eating at all. I just couldn´t take it...that made the cup float over it´s limits....

 I just started crying. 

He hugged me, and helped me make dinner, and even though we were both kind of silent and deeply sunken into our thoughts, we tried to do the best out of the situation. We toasted and finished the dinner. My dad took the rest of it in a doggy-bag to bring to my mom,

 since he said it would be a lot better than the food at the hospital. Then he went to visit her... 

I honestly did not want to go along with him yet. 

And now we are here. At the end of the day. My whole day has been a big bomb dropped after another and now I am just so sad that everything bad had to happen on my birthday.

I just thought I´d share that with you guys. I know this entry might not be interesting at all, but it is a part of my life, and if you read my blog, you must somehow have an interest in me also.

Thanks for reading