The force of......thinking!

After long consideration, and loooong trains of thought, and not to forget mentioning huge amount of both physical and mental pain for months, and years, I have figured there is only one way for me not to die...

I have been having an increased amount of pain in my chest recently... waking up with heartpains and going to bed with heartpains... It is really scary being so short of breath and feeling so exhausted for no reason other than simply being awake...

Not that is was only that though, I have had serious issuses with compulsory needs and happenigns in my life, to the extend that it has completely taken over my life, making me force myself to do all kinds of paifull "rituals" everyday, with extreme amounts of working out, not eating etc...  I had this evil little bug in my mind that has been toturing me for almost seven years now...

It physically made me ill, it mentally made me mad and now.... I just can´t stand it...

My whole life has been dedicated to the thought of me being a worthless person, in need of punishment for not doing everything perfectly at all times, and if I couldn´t do it for a single second, I had to punish myself with more work, more training, more pain...

At the worst stage (in the most recent period of my life) I had a routine that started the second I woke up to the very last second I went to bed, only allowing me about 45 min of freetime throughout the entire day, filling up everything else with huge amounts of homework and work outs... but nothing I ever did was good enough, I was not allowed to spend time on anything else, because I was worthless...

And, after a yet another meeting about my serious condition, and talk of eventual admitting in a hospital, I suddenly felt this incredibly strong sensation, and..

it was amazing O.O

I suddenly felt like I woke up from a strong sleep that had lasted for years and years...
and I knew... it was my disease letting go... 

It hit me like a two ton rock in my stomach, I just felt this incredible feeling like "this is not me anymore!"

It is absolutely incredible, but after six years of more or less endless pain,
I feel like I am ready to start fighting this... 

It will be a long and slow battle, and I am afraid it will have tons of relapses and sessions with me getting worse... and I am sure this disease will pretty much stay with me in some kind of form my whole life...

 but I hope...

  I hope ...

I hope I will be able to atleast feel comfortable about myself one day! That, before anything else, will be my goal. My mind has been so twisted for so long... it is filled with selfhatred and thoughts about me not being worth anything, and not being good enough at anything, and for once, I would like to allow myself to be that. Good enough, that is... I feel incredibly bad just writing about it, because my disease still holds such a strong bond over me, but yeah.... I hope that I will be able to look at what I do one day and feel like its enough, and like I am proud of it or atleast pleased :-)! 

In the light of this "awakening" I have ordered some new things to try out some totally new styles! 

I felt it was time to order things again, both because it is a looong time since I last did, and because I kinda wanted to try something new, but ALSO because it´s soon time for Halloween again (and I absolutely LOVE Halloween *v*) so I needed something to wear for the occation! ^^ 

 

Anyway, made my first order ever from the online store

 ROMWE ! 

I would really reccomend taking a look at their online shop if you like cute,
alternative fashion and cool street styles! ^^  They have tons of it! 

The things I decided to get was some stuff I acctually never imagined I would fall for ;V; But yeah... It was probably time I renewed my closet, and tried out something totally new!

Here is my new Halloween dress! ^^

(direct link to the actual dress)

I have loved this design ever since I saw pictures of it on tumblr last year, so I am really happy that I was able to get my hands on it! ^^ I hope my order arrives in time for halloween, and that it will look good on me ;V; hehe... I am a bit nervous about the open back thingie,
but I hope I will have the confidence to wear it anyway!

And this is the second dress I got!

(direct link to the actual dress)

I just totally fell in love with this dress immediately when I saw it, and really... it is like nothing I own from beforehand, so it will be something totally new for me!
I think it kinda looks like something casual from Juliette Et Justine! ^^

I really like the design however ;V; Also hoping it will suit me,
and that I am able to dress it up in a nice kind of way! :-)

Atleast it will give me a nice opportunity to wear some lovely golden accessories and details >v<! <3
I allready have tons of ideas * v*

 

So yeah, that was just a small update for now.... but I feel like it is definitely one of the most important text posts I have ever made in my life. I hope you guys will respond in the comment box below, I would love to hear your thoughts upon the matter. 

Let´s try to be positive everyone, and focus on the nice things in life :)
It is ok to be sick once in a while, but when it totally defines your life an almost kills you...
it shouldn´t be ok like that... Wow, I still have to force myself to even write that, since my head tells me it´s acctually right that it is that way... 

I hope I will be able to work with this... 

I am really scared and nervous about it all, but I will try!

For now, that is all I´ve got.

Thank you all for reading this far!

- A rhapsody in pink -

 

I am sorry for not writing >.< Sorry again, for that is something I have said I won´t write,
but it continues to happen XD haha

My life isn´t all easy peasy right now, sadly...

However, I wanted to write a little bit today because I just got my first rhapsody wig! I chose the colour pink, because it was such a light and fluffy colour, it reminded me of cotton candy! 

I decided to do a little outfit to celebrate it!

+ Pink tartan +

Onepiece: DreamV

Cutsew: Angelic Pretty

Tights: H&M

Socks: H&M Kids section

Shoes: An*tai*na

Acceossories: H&M Kids section, homemade, gift, 

Cute Can Kill, Glitter, Hello Kitty

"huhuhu, I like this hairstyle = v="

 

Other than the wig, I was also able to snatch ut my dream bag of many years now ;V; 

OMG I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS BAG >A< <333

It is the famous heart shaped bag from MILK! ^^ And I got it in GOLD *V*

It is a really rare colour, and I´ve always wanted it since I first saw it ;A; 

And now I´ve got it ;V; *cries* happy happy happy! >v<

Also! A girl in my class recently gave me an adorable little vinyl figurine of Finn from
Adventure Time! ^^ it was for no reason also, so I was totally caught by surpise ;A; 

It was sooo super duper cute and it looked so lonely all by itself, 

so I kinda had to get a Jake figurine to keep it company ;V;

Aren´t these guys adorable ?*U* <3

They are standing on my desk lamp as little mascots to cheer me up ^^ hehe

Now, that was all I had to say this time! 

My life is kinda difficult due to my disease, so I really don´t know whats happening onwards
from here... All I can do really, is wait and see...

What kind is the newest wig you you have got?

Thanks for reading and please comment below!

♡ 5 Sweet Lolita things ♡ : songs

Here I am, returning with my series of 5 sweet lolita related things that you should check out!

Todays topic is as the title suggests: 

songs!

 The songs I have listed below are sweet, and have a nice air about them that makes them perfect for getting in the mood of wearing sweet lolita, all from the very basic everyday outfits, to the "over the top sugary cavity-enducing teeth rotting" sweet lolita that you could just imagine! 

So, if you are a bit lost in what to listen to, to set the right mood,

Take a look at these five little treats I´ve picked out for you :-3

1.

Love Prolouge – Sucrette

  The soft voice of Sucrette fills me with lighthearted joy that feels perfect for those slow and easy days when you just want to grab a cup of tea, paint a little watercolour paiting with light colours, or just read a book, relaxing all by yourself in your cute otome outfit ^^ I love it for being so dreamy <3     2. Happy! – Hatsune Miku & Kagamine Rin 
  This song makes me, well... happy from head to toe! ^^ It makes me imagine haging out with other cute lolitas, having a teaparty or just running around being all silly and pranking eachother x3 It is definitely the perfect song to put on when you are with your best sweet lolita friends :)     3. Nemmy! Nemmy! Nemmy! – Yunyun 
  This song fits perfectly when you feel like its time to clean up that pink, sparkly explotion of a room of yours, after a long day of having fun and dressing up! ^^ I always feel like I get new energy when I can clean up while listening to super cute music!      4. Magical Journey – Pinku! Project 
  Ever feel like everything is hopeless and you have lost your spirits? Then you should definitely listen to this adorable little pick-me-up song! ^^ Pinku! Project still holds a big place in my heart, and just listening to their cute tunes make me wanna draw swirly and dreamy drawings, bake cute cakes and work my best to reach my dreams! Remember, dream big and dream bright! You can do whatever you set your heart to! <3     5. Lolitina – Aoki Misako 
 I don´t know if you guys knew that Misako Aoki made a sweet lolita song? Well, she did and I must admit I am in love >v< <3 It is super duper cute, and catches the super cute and modernized air that sweet lolita is reflecting upon the lolita fashion itself these days! So, if you want something inspiring and cute to both listen to (and watch) I suggest this song! It makes me want to wear all of my cutest clothes and have a cute teaparty with my plushies >v< hihi      So, I don´t know about you, but just after making this list I allready feel more empowered and filled with kawaii energy to bring out into my daily life *V* I feel like I could do anything! ^^ That is the magic about cute music <3     I hope you enjoyed it, and found some new inspiration to your kawaii lifestyle ;-3  Stay cute everyone! ^0^ FIGHTO!   Until next time, 

 

My Swedish fairytale: Day 12-13 – crafting and traveling

I am going to be frank to begin with,
there are no photographic evidence of these two last days sadly >.<

So if you are up for a wall of text, get ready to read the closing chapter of my travel to Sweden this summer! (Haha, I can´t believe it´s september allready XD)

The day after the Victorian picnic was yet another "chill day".
We had invited Saga (Irodohieru) and Amanda (Lolitaland) over for some tea and crafting, proper sunday style with no makeup or anything, just our bare faces in snuggly clothes, bendt eagerly over a ton of beads, clay and glitter. It was indeed one of the most cosy days we had together. 

I finally got to finish making the items I started earlier during the week (you can read about it HERE), Emilia drew designs for her upcoming items for a japanese flee-marked, Amanda worked on some beautiful clay roses, and Saga kept us all company with her wonderful being and fun comments ;v;

There is nothing better than friends hanging out like that. Relaxed, with good music and fun activities <3 Sometimes the little things are the best ones <3

 

 

After spending almost all day crafting, we realized it was getting a bit late, and we needed to start dinner. Saga and Amanda had to leave, to reach their seperate trains home,
so they couldn´t stay longer :-(

We had almost nothing in the house, so we decided to make a really simple dish ;v;

Omu-rice! And truly, it was really simple, as we only had oninons and rice in the mix XD haha.
But we put in loads of ketchup, and we had mozzarella cheese in the omelette, with spices,
so it tasted really good acctually! ^^

I was the cook of this particuilar meal, as I had seen it been done before,
even though I hadn´t made it myself ever >.< I am glad Emilia seemed to like it though ^^
It made me happy!

We spendt the rest of the evening watching movies and finishing off the candy we bought when we went to the cinema earlier that week. We started off by watching a movie called "Stardust"
(that I reccomended we should watch) and went on with "The last unicorn" afterwards ^^
None of us had seen it before, so we decided to just go for it!
I would reccomend both of the movies, though "the last unicorn" certainly is a very peculiar video, and really different from anything I imagined it to be >v>"""

At that time we had finished watching that also, it was around 2 am or so,
and we just decided it was time for bed.

On the very last day, or acctually,  just the traveling day, we had plenty of time before I was going to leave. I took a good walk in the sunny weather, we had delicious baguettes with mozzarella and ham for lunch, and I spendt just about an hour packing everything in my suitcase, before we were ready to go. I think we left for the trainstation around 5 pm, since my plane was going to deport at 8 pm. It was quite a while to travel, but by the time we got there,
I still had over and hour left of waiting time luckily.

Now, I must say that our parting was a rather dramatic one at that >.<

I found out my suitcase had wastly exceeded the limited weight allowed, so I found myself having to pay a nasty extra–fee to make up for it! (I found it so weird, since I almost hadn´t brought anything new!) I was so mad and frustrated I just couldn´t help but cry.
I simply rushed around after that, trying to find out where I was going, and I could only give Emilia a quick hug before I had to leave in a rush. I was really scared of the extra fee I had payed and how it would affect my credit card, as I thought perhaps I would be unable to get home, due to the lack of money! (yes, I have very little money, and yes it was a big fee)... I completely panicked and called my dad as soon as I had passed the security area, to ask him about what I should do.

I was really afraid that he would yell at me and be really mad, but I was happily surprised at how calm and nice he was about it. He helped calm me down and told me everthing was going to be fine, and that it could have happend to anyone. When we had talked for a while, my pulse had reached a regular count and I could breath out like normal. I am so happy everything worked out fine ; _;
I was so scared!

After that, it was just travel, travel, travel, by planes and a busse until I finally came home,

around 2 am in the middle of the night. My father picked me up at the busstation, and by 3 am we were home and I once more let myself fall into my wonderful, wonderful bed in my own bedroom. 

Is there a more fantastic feeling than that?

I just wanted to sleep at once,  for it to become tomorrow really quickly. I was really looking forward to unpacking my bag and showing everything I´d bought to my parents as soon as possible.

(And you will be able to see more of that soon in upcoming updates ;-3)

I am pretty sure I fell asleep with a smile on my face :-) 

With that, my Swedish fairytale was over, and though I was sad, it felt wonderful to be home again, with all the great memories that I had left from the trip. Being able to meet so many people that I´ve only seen pictures of, or chatted with on the internet before, was really mindblowing to me.
It is always surreal when stuff like that happens in real life... 

I just hope I managed to leave such a positive and good impression on them as they did on me.
I can´t wait to meet everyone again, and set out on a new set of amazing adventures ;v; 

Please await my return! ^0^

Only the future can tell what´s ahead!

Thank you for reading once again, and I hope you´ll keep tuned ;-)

See yah!